real life complications...and blessings

One of the things that really bothers me is complaining. Is it possible to talk about negative situations we find ourselves in without complaining? Because I don't want to complain, sometimes I refrain from verbalizing my anxiety or negative feelings about something. Eventually it becomes too much, though, and I can't continue internalizing it. I'd really like to know what is the proper way to handle these circumstances. 

I'm writing this post hoping it will help ease some of the anxieties I've been experiencing by putting them into words. I don't know if I can do it in an uncomplaining way, but that is my wish. Unfortunately, this will be another epistle on covid, so you might want to stop reading here if you've already had enough! 

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm currently not working because of Cliff testing positive. This came at a bad time, due to my changing jobs. When I had to quarantine earlier this year, I was paid for my time off. This second time, I only get paid for 3 days because I've reached the maximum quarantine pay allowed. Now the soonest I can start at LVHN is January 11, which leaves me 3 weeks without pay. Cliff was also off for a week without pay, and frankly, we haven't managed our finances as wisely as we should have and there's no extra funds readily available to see us through. I'm having a hard time not stressing about the money/job situation and it's given me insomnia. 

To make things worse, I received a call from LVHN employee health today, and was asked some straightforward questions about how I've been observing quarantine. To give the right answers, I would've had to lie. Some of the questions I was asked - "Are you sleeping in a separate room from your husband, using different bathrooms, wearing a mask when less than 6 feet away from him?" The only way I've quarantined is not going to work or church. I've been with family and all other normal activities. I was told I can't go out for groceries or gas, travel anywhere, be with anyone outside of my household, etc. during this time, and my starting date is on hold until I've successfully quarantined. I don't know how I'm expected to live under such strict regulations, and I'm strongly opposed to an employer telling me how to live my private life. My rebellious streak is highly agitated and I feel desperate. It seems impossible to be honest and comply with rules I find absurd and unattainable. But I really need to go back to work soon, which leaves me feeling trapped. The only conclusion I've come to is lay low and wait and see what happens. Maybe by some miracle I won't have to answer such intrusive questions to be cleared for work.

Now on a more upbeat note - putting aside all the complications, having time off is fantastic!! I have time to go on walks, read, set puzzle, and tackle our budget dilemma. I've experimented with sourdough for the first time and in spite of not following directions correctly, made some tasty cinnamon rolls and bread. More exercising will be necessary. Ideas for blog posts are brewing, and plans for a housewide purge of unused stuff. We're healthy, have food to eat, a comfortable home with everything at our fingertips, and many more blessings. This too shall pass. 

I firmly believe "God is still good." That song has given me courage over and over.

God is still good when the waves roll high

God is still good all through the night

When I've done all I can and I don't understand

God is still good

Clouds of doubt may darken the way

But showers of blessing may come any day

He'll bring me through and I'll stand and say

God is still good.

Now Christmas is over

"Now Christmas is over" is an oft-repeated Swarey family lament, which I believe was first said by Grandma Elsie. After weeks of anticipation, precious time with family goes by too fast. On the other hand, going back to routine can be satisfying, and after days of delicious meals and treats, food begins to lose appeal. Vacation or holiday time always gives me new resolve to be more disciplined and structured when I go back to ordinary days. I determine to schedule my time, take daily walks, menu plan, go to bed on time and wake up early enough to not be rushed and late for work, drink more water, eat less, and on and on! I'm not sure why I continue thinking that way when past experience has shown it's a lot harder to put into action.

It appears I'll be on an extended break from work due to Cliff testing positive for covid. I've been quarantined from work for a week, and won't be starting my new job today as planned. A new start date is still to be determined, but likely will be another 2 weeks. There's plenty I can keep busy with, if only I have the discipline to do it! It's much more tempting to stay up late reading or doing a puzzle, which leaves me tired the next day and uninspired to tackle the list of projects I want to accomplish. It's rather embarrassing to admit how weak and self-indulgent I am when I watch my peers who are raising families and have no time for such trivialities. It was not my intention to write about my lack of self-control and unstructured life, though. 

Several years ago I laid aside my years-long tradition of sending out Christmas cards and letters. I feel this blog is my way of keeping in touch, but after receiving several nice Christmas letters, I began to feel a little guilty for not writing one too. I usually procrastinate when it comes to writing letters because I don't enjoy it, but somehow blogging is different. I know that doesn't really make sense, and I can't explain it either. 

I know I blogged a lot about my job and the pandemic this year. I also wrote about the few trips we took, so what else did our year consist of? We became a household of three when Sharla (Cliff's youngest sibling) moved here this summer. Cliff enjoys his retail job at Bowers Sales and Rentals and has a few side hobbies - flying his drone, tinkering on the boat, and taking it out any chance he gets. We did a few home improvement projects, mainly fixing up the basement bedroom and bathroom before Sharla moved in. 

What were the highlights of 2020? Overall, we'll be glad to see the year end, but there were good times too. The first thing that comes to my mind is the weekend in August when we took our bikes to Poughkeepsie, New York, and rode along a lovely trail, including a bridge over the Hudson River. Another enjoyable weekend was spent in Connecticut with cousins Waylon and Lisa, who are house parents in the unit there. We managed to set foot in several states over two days, including the amazingly beautiful Rhode Island coast. 

In some ways, this year flew by like a flash, but when I think of the coronavirus crisis, it seems longer than a year. I clearly remember writing down some goals and dreams for 2020 at the beginning of the year. It seemed so promising... a new decade, a new start. It turned out to be unlike any year, sometimes bleak, but still good. And like this quote says, the real things haven't changed.

my people, doing their job

Readers of this blog who are in my phone contacts and see my WhatsApp statuses already know I'm super excited about the news from Penn State Health this week! It's been a noteworthy week for pharmacy employees. First, a pharmacist coworker was spotlighted in the Penn State Health news. If you're interested, here's the article on Darryle Tillman, whom I work closely with. The picture that was chosen is a perfect snapshot of a daily scene in the pharmacy. 

Karla Rivera-Rodriguez is the lead tech who keeps everyone in line. Rare is the day when she hasn't set Darryle straight at least once! I love her body language and the look in her eyes here. It looks like she's getting ready to deliver her famous line, "Darryle, get your **** together!" 😆 

The next event was the arrival of our covid vaccine, which made local news (article here). I'm so excited our hard-working team is getting some recognition and it makes me happy to share a glimpse of my world with you! 

A day later the first vaccinations were given to front-line employees, again making news (link here). There are several great pictures accompanying the article, but I think this one is the best because it shows the clean room and hood where we make our sterile products. (Click to enlarge).

I've spent many hours in that hood. Just imagine Megan is me and you'll get a precise visual of a day in my life! Darryle seems to have a knack for making headlines. Here's Kelsey again, too.

My excitement is mostly because I'm so proud of these people! The vaccine is not so much my focus, but I've been asked by several people if I'm getting it. The short answer is no, but I'll also give the long answer. 

We received 975 doses of the vaccine, which is a first dose. The second dose will arrive later and be given after a few weeks. At this time it is not mandatory for hospital employees, like the flu shot is, but if we want the vaccination it will be administered using a tiered plan. Those who work in CCU and covid units will get it first. Our department would be on a tier below those who directly interact with patients, and by the time it comes around to us I'll be moving on to my new job. I don't know what LVHN's policies are, but expect it to be similar. Although I don't plan to get vaccinated at this time, I want to make it clear I am not against it and have no use for the conspiracies being spread by people who are ignorant. Sorry if that offends you, but that's how I see it. However, I'll admit I'm slightly reluctant about something that is so new and would like to see its long-term effects before I get it. If it meant I didn't have to wear a mask anymore, I'd get it tomorrow, but that's not going to be the case. Those who get vaccinated will still need to wear a mask because they could have no symptoms but carry the virus. My knowledge is limited as to how long it will be before that changes, but it's not likely to happen soon. Yet I do think those who haven't had the virus or are vulnerable because of other health issues should get it as soon as it becomes available. 

I hear opinions from both the far left and far right about covid, drugs, the vaccine, and other hot topics and as someone who hates conflict it honestly makes me cringe. What would Jesus do if He was here? Thinking that way sometimes helps me find the path of peace. After all, He's the gentle man who calmed the storm, ate with sinners, and lived His life loving and healing. What an example!

one day at a time

It's nice to be needed. But being desperately needed can be draining. That's how it feels at work these days. We battle overwork, stress, and exhaustion daily as we try to keep up with the demands of providing drugs to so many sick patients. We simply don't have enough people to carry the burden. Weekends are especially tough, since we operate with a skeleton crew but no decrease in work load. Last weekend was my turn to experience how overwhelming it can be. I have to remind myself I've made it through before so I can do it again! On Sunday morning I was near tears as I thought of facing another day. Thankfully it was no worse than Saturday and I had a good pharmacist to work with. 

I've read news stories of people who have covid but are still convinced it's not real. Now we have a covid positive patient who's being treated for the virus but thinks he just has a bad cold. When the doctor asked if he wanted to be intubated if he got worse, the patient responded he'd rather die than live through four years of a Biden presidency. 😄 I'd find it hard to believe this actually happened if I didn't know it was true! 

I've grown unhappy with my inconsistent work schedule and management issues over the past while. A couple months ago I updated my resumé and applied to a few positions, thinking I'd see if anything happened, but not seriously looking. To my amazement, I soon got a call, an interview, and a job offer at Lehigh Valley Health Network. It seemed like things were falling into place, but I had a hard time making the decision. The older I get, the more I hate change, and St. Joe’s feels comfortable and familiar after four years. I love my coworkers, who know and accept me. The LVHN Cedar Crest hospital is at least five times the size of where I work now, and I'd have to start all over making friends, finding my way around, and learning how a different pharmacy operates. However, I decided to take the opportunity and will be starting there December 28. It was super tough telling my boss that I'd found a different job when we're already short staffed and struggling. My feelings swing from terrified to excited to anxiety and sadness when I think about it. I still feel I made the right decision, but it's been really hard on me. I'll be thankful when the first six months at my new job are past. Right now I only feel a sense of loss for the friends and familiarity I'll be leaving. When I think back to other changes life has brought, I remember being scared before taking the big step, but usually it worked out just fine. I'm trying to stay positive, not overthink, and take one day at a time, but I'll admit I haven't been very successful at that!

from the front line

As we near another lockdown due to COVID-19, I've been having many thoughts. Most of my family and friends don't see what life is like in a hospital during a pandemic, so I may have a different view than many of my peers. In case anyone cares, I want to state for the record that I am not afraid of COVID-19 and never have been. I feel that some of the effects of keeping the lonely and elderly away from friends and family and shutting down schools are more harmful than the virus. At the same time, I think we need to be respectful of the guidelines and comply when in public. To many people, not wearing a mask (or wearing it incorrectly) comes across as "I don't care about you." You can argue with that, but it doesn't change the fact.

Management at the hospital is encouraging us not to travel anywhere, even in the state. They would promote following the recent guidelines set by the governor, such as wearing a mask in your own home when not around people from your household. (Here's a link to see more.) I'm not planning to wear a mask in my own home, or refrain from going to church (as long as we continue to have services), or cancel getting together with family and friends. For now, I'm going to live my private life as normally and quietly as possible. Technically that means I'm not complying with regulations, but I resist the idea of my employer telling me how to live my private life. 

On the other hand, I understand the regulations are put in place to control the spread and stop it from spiraling out of control. Healthcare workers are overwhelmed, weary, and stretched to their limits. If it continues to get worse, patients will not get proper care due to lack of nurses. Right now there's a large amount of our nurses quarantined because they were exposed to a patient who had the virus, but they had been told he was negative so precautions were not taken. We are also short-staffed during this incredibly busy time in the pharmacy. One of our techs couldn't take it anymore and quit last week without giving any notice. Everyone is doing their best, but the potential for errors increases in a situation like we face. Usually I'm able to remain calm in stressful times, but these last few weeks have been getting to me. Everywhere I turn, there's something urgently needing attention and I must constantly multi-task and try to remember to send a med, give a message to a pharmacist, get supplies, make deliveries, and other high priority duties while continuing to answer phones, look things up in the pharmacy system, hunt down missing meds for nurses, and make sure the clean room is making enough IV's to get us through the next 24 hours. Some people can't handle stress well and lash out at their coworkers, adding more to the strain. By the end of my shift I'm wound tight and have to do something to calm myself down, like going on a walk. My back and stomach ache from the tension. Thankfully, when I'm at home I can usually put all that behind me and restore calm.

Some of our recent sickest patients have been young (30 - 40), without prior health conditions. Seeing that reinforces fear in some of my coworkers. Because of the environment we work in, it's hard to see these cases are still a very small percent of covid positive people. I think many of my coworkers have a much smaller circle of acquaintances than the community I come from, and haven't seen the virus doesn't affect most people as dramatically. 

I've learned it's best not to be too opinionated and vocal about this controversial subject. My intention in writing about it was to encourage more understanding and empathy in those who don't see the immense strain it causes to those on the front lines. Pray for the doctors and nurses who carry the biggest burden in caring for the sick. They appreciate anything you can do for them. An encouraging word, snacks, or meals can give them the boost they need to keep going!

hard days, long nights

With short days and long nights upon us, my energy level feels depleted and I'm ready for bed by 8:00 pm. Work has been difficult the last few weeks with the covid surge and other situations, and sometimes my mood matches the dark evenings.

After 5 months of construction, we moved in to our new IV room the end of last month. It's twice the size of our old one, with glass walls, automatic sliding doors, stainless steel carts, and bright lighting. Instead of being hidden away in a small room, we are visible to everyone in the pharmacy due to all the glass. There's also several cameras in use, so it feels like our every move is being watched. Our motto used to be "what happens in the clean room stays in the clean room" but that's hardly possible anymore! 

Stress levels were super high the week we moved in and started using the new facilities. Pharmacy leaders and management were involved in setting up and their scrutiny and expectations of how things should be done added extra pressure to a chaotic time. We had some very sick covid patients and the amount of paralytic, sedative, and narcotic IV's needed around the clock was putting a strain on those working in the IV room. Since we were so busy trying to take care of patients, nobody was able to properly organize and stock supplies. I worked in the clean room one of those first days and the setup was so inefficient it hindered production. Thankfully some of those issues have been worked through, but I'm not enjoying the days I work in the clean room as much as I used to. It's a modern, state-of-the-art facility, but I feel under surveillance at all times. 

This picture is a typical IV setup for an ICU covid patient. Each of those monitors is connected to a drip that comes from pharmacy. Some of those drips are changed every 2-3 hours. Multiply that by several patients times 24 hours and you might get an idea why the pharmacy is so busy!

It sounds like hospitals will be receiving the covid vaccine in the near future. For many people, life has been put on hold all year. Most of my coworkers haven't been getting together with family, going on vacation, or attending large gatherings. (I continue to do all those things, but I wouldn't want them to know that!) For them, a vaccine is light at the end of the tunnel. 

With the way things have been going, this will probably a tough weekend at work, so I need to shut my eyes for the night!

stillness and solitude

Today was one of those rare days when there was nothing pressing to be done and I didn't feel guilty taking time for solitude. Having the luxury of staying inside on a rainy day is noteworthy, indeed. I felt extremely blessed to have the day at home and be able to meditate. Having 2 days off in the middle of the week almost makes up for working 3 weekends in a row. I'm trying to be grateful for that and not let my schedule stress me out, although that's been tough lately. I can almost feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it, so I won't go there. 

Lately I've become aware that unless I make a conscious effort to be still, there's always some kind of commotion filling my mind. My phone can be quite handy and I'm delighted to use it to shop, listen to audiobooks, and stay in touch with family and friends. But I find myself picking it up any time I have a spare minute, and soon I've wasted many minutes just browsing. My mind becomes cluttered with news, statuses, chats, and other bits and pieces. There's no time for devotions other than listening to the yearly Bible plan while getting ready for the day. I get annoyed easily. I'm craving peace and quiet but there's all this NOISE!! 

One day I'm at home alone and I find a comfy spot to sit and read the Bible, the Messenger, or a devotional book. My phone is out of sight in another room and I refuse to pick it up. I sit in the beautiful silence, listen, and think. The turmoil inside calms and a peace settles around me. Now I can hear if God wants to speak. I want to stay here forever! 

Solitude is good for the soul. It doesn't always have to be spiritual. Sitting in utter silence without any distractions has a way of clearing your mind. I want to make it a priority to step back at least once a week, tune out the demands of work and home, and soak in the balm of being still.

hurt, vulnerability, and love

I'm afraid this post is going to be a tough one. Usually there has to be some kind of inspiration before I write. Sometimes the words come flying out and other times it's a struggle because of how personal the inspiration is and how vulnerable I become when I share it. That vulnerability is especially hard because I try to lock up and forget past hurts. Along with that I'm determined to never allow myself to get in a position of being hurt again. The downside is that resolve makes me a numb, hard, uncaring person who doesn't want to get too close to anybody. I become even more walled in and bitter. It happens gradually without notice, then one day I realize what I've become. Now I have a choice  - continue with a cold, proud heart immune to hurt and become someone I never wanted to be, or let the ugliness out and be healed, realizing that will again make me vulnerable to hurt.

Love. Such a beautiful word, but so difficult to understand. This week, 1 John 4:8 was part of my reading. "He that loveth not knoweth not God." No question. Just the plain, easy-to-understand truth. And it describes me. I don't fully understand why or how I became that person, and maybe don't need to figure that out. But now that I know I'm one who "loveth not", what should I do about it? There's no chance of remedying it on my own. I'm defeated before I even try. That leaves one answer - only from God. With my own determination there's no way I could like, never mind LOVE, that coworker I can't stand. And in all reality, I probably never will like him. But despising, avoiding, and talking unkindly about him is certainly not Godly love. 

So that's the real, ugly truth. Satan is trying to tell me I'm a hypocrite for saying these things, because it sounds righteous and preachy and I fall so far short. My proud, selfish nature is always going to be there. But by God's grace, I won't be that miserable, unhappy, uncaring person whom I never wanted to be. 

adventures fill your soul

Taking time off and getting away from the daily routine of work and home life almost always refreshes me. I feel new inspiration and can somehow see the big picture better when I take a step away. Home is still the best - there's no other place where I feel as comfortable - but traveling is important to expand the edges of our world. 

This past week was the time we were planning to go to Ireland, but those plans were smashed because of the pandemic. I still hope to go someday, but for now I'll continue to dream. Half the fun is in planning and looking forward to a trip, anyway! Instead of Ireland, we went to Tennessee, where we spent a few days with Shelby & Kait and two nights in the Smoky Mountains on the way home.

I have visited only a few national parks, but consider them one of the best places to travel. There's nothing like seeing the vast Grand Canyon for the first time, or the rolling peaks shrouded in mist of the Great Smoky Mountains. We go to the Smokies as often as we can, and this year we were fortunate enough to visit twice! Cade's Cove, a picturesque valley nestled in the mountains, has always charmed me. The carefully preserved log homes, churches, and a mill from bygone days can be visited while driving along an 11 mile loop, which we've done several times. 

We wanted to bike the loop this time, and made it a priority on our trip. Experiencing it that way added another dimension of awe. I'm easily moved by emotion, and feeling the atmosphere of Cade's Cove on a closer level than riding in a car was exhilarating. The bike ride was tougher than I expected, but so worth it! 

Stories about events and curious happenings in national parks always interest me. I've collected several books from my visits, and this time I bought Into the Mist - tales of death and disaster in Smoky Mountains National Park. Another favorite of mine is Over the Edge: Death In Grand Canyon. This book is down the same line and is very interesting so far. 

I saw a children's book about national parks called You Are Home at a shop we visited and loved the illustrations and poetry. I added it to my collection also.

Going back to work and daily life after time away is sometimes discouraging. I like this quote, "Jobs fill your pocket. Adventures fill your soul." 

pros and cons

In my last post I mentioned feeling discontented with my job and experiencing nostalgia for teaching. It caught me by surprise because I thought I had finally put that to rest and no longer missed teaching. Sometimes I wonder why I can't be more settled with where I'm at in life. I know I sound unstable and wishy-washy. I'd like to be more steady and anchored, but don't believe in trying to be something I'm not. Being fake is too exhausting. At 35 years old, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! Part of me would like to settle down and stick with one thing, but the other part of me sees so many opportunities and begins to question if I want to stay in the same place. I'm also realizing how quickly time moves on and how soon we age. Am I using my time in the best way possible, or will I look back in 20 years and say "I should have taken that opportunity!"? This quote has been an inspiration to me many times, although I don't know exactly what it means for me.

What are the bowlines keeping me in the safe harbor? Could the safe harbor actually be the place I should stay? So many conflicting thoughts leave me feeling a little topsy-turvy. In an attempt to make sense of it all, I decided to make a list of pros and cons of being a teacher versus pros and cons of my current job. It helped to see it spelled out, but didn't completely clear it up. Here's a condensed version of that list. The items are not listed in order of importance.

Teaching: Pros

• Challenging and rewarding
• Involvement with church people, co-teachers
• Teaching subjects that inspire me
• Always opportunity to gain expertise
• Scheduled time off, summer vacation
• Exposure to the outdoors, not confined 
• Dress up, wear nice things
• Decorating a classroom
• Time moves quickly
• Introduce children to wonders in history, science, books, etc. That excited look when they learn something interesting.

Teaching: Cons

• Constant scrutiny
• Criticism
• Weight of responsibility
• Enforce rules, discipline
• Never done at work, work follows me home
• Difficult situations with students or parents
• Not financially compensated on the same level as effort put in
• Poor work/life balance

Pharmacy: Pros

• Work can be left at work
• Steady income, affordable health insurance
• Challenging
• Being a part of the medical field
• Time to read, write, do puzzle, and other hobbies
• Work/life balance
• Feel appreciated, valuable as an employee 

Pharmacy: Cons

• Little involvement with church people
• No routine schedule 
• Mandatory weekends, evenings, nights, holidays
• Rules, regulations, policies
• No exposure to the outdoors - work in a confined area
• Difficult co-workers, managers

I'm pretty certain I know what the "safe harbor" is and what makes the most financial sense by considering these points. Is work/life balance more important than being involved with my church family? I know there will never be a "perfect" job and every situation has advantages and disadvantages. I can accept my present job and it's not like I have to make a decision between the two. So unless some other door opens, I'll keep plugging away!

work challenges

After working the 3:30 pm to 12:00 am shift five days in a row, I'm still wide awake at midnight. I've been slightly frustrated lately with working full time. It seems I'm constantly trying to get things done at home but never quite reach a point where things are caught up. I never have time for anything extra, like sewing or having company. A good part of my time at work is spent in a small enclosed area making IV's. Lately it's been so hot and uncomfortable in there and I'm tired of sweating inside all the sterile garb. I sometimes miss going to a job where I can dress up and wear nice things. Schools are starting and the beginning of a new term always brings back memories and part of me longs to be there again. I'd like to wish away those feelings because it doesn't seem like the way is open for me to teach. That's probably enough sharing of the ugly, discontented thoughts I've been having.

Last night I made an IV drug I've never done before -- antivenom for a patient who got bit by a copperhead. I wasn't at work when the patient came in (sometime during the night) and this was a follow-up dose of the drug. It's amazing how often the unusual, crazy stuff happens on the evening and night shifts. I also had to make TPA (massive dose of a clot-busting drug for patients who are having a stroke) at least twice while working evenings last week. It is of utmost importance to quickly get TPA to the patient who is having a stroke because "time is brain". Every minute counts when blood flow to the brain is being blocked. In those kinds of emergencies, I don't stop to think about how someone's life might depend on the drug I'm making and how quickly we can get it to them. If I did, I'd probably stab myself with a needle or make some kind of mistake while compounding the drug. Staying calm is the best thing to do.

Last week we were so short of technicians a couple days that a pharmacist had to step in and do the work we techs usually do. I found it amusing that the pharmacist who was covering had a mini meltdown after a couple days of doing the hands-on work because it was too much to handle. 😄 Especially now, while our IV room is under construction and one person is responsible for making all the IV's in a 2 foot area, it does get to be too much sometimes. It takes mental and physical strength to keep your cool. 

I'm trying to have a relaxing weekend to prepare for next week's 5:00 am schedule. That is actually my favorite shift, but after working evenings for a week, I feel a little out of sync. Recently I had my yearly performance eval and felt encouraged by what my manager said about me. Knowing I'm a valuable team member helps me put up with some of the challenges and give it my best.

Summer Prose

She said, "Summer is overrated."

And I thought

Well.

Fall is beautiful too

But each year

I

Fall

A little more in love

With summer.

Summer

When the sun shines hottest 

Is when I feel the most alive

And 

My exuberance 

Tries to express itself

In a poem

That doesn't rhyme.

In August

The Sunday of summer

I feel the end

Is coming too soon.

And

I want to spend

More time

In the sunshine.

Nurture my flowers

Soak in 

The colors

And sounds 

of summer.

More time

Away from work

Slow down

Take a walk

Go to the mountains

Ride bike

Visit the lake

Sit on the deck

Go out for ice cream.

There is beauty

In every season

And I 

Enjoy them all.

But

Summer

Is never long enough

For me.

Hudson River weekend 2020

Last weekend we took our annual summer trip to the Hudson River Valley. I blogged about our trip last year here and wasn't sure I would give a report again, but several people have asked about it. 

We love going to this area of New York because it's only a 2 - 3 hour drive from here (depending where you stay) and it's beautiful natural scenery. The towns are really not that great... kind of run-down and old. This time we stayed in a basement apartment in Newburgh that I booked through Airbnb. The place was very nice but in a super sketchy part of town. I would not have felt safe being out at night on that street! Loud music, groups of people congregating on front porches and sidewalks, abandoned buildings, graffiti... get the picture? While I'm writing on accommodations, I will recommend a place we stayed at the first time we went to the area. The Gilmor Sloane House in Stony Point is an 1856 Victorian mansion with 11 bedrooms each uniquely decorated with antique furniture. It was an interesting place to stay! I couldn't find a place to book online; I think you have to call for reservations. Here's a link to the website. 

We like the Stony Point area best of all the places we've stayed. Once again we partook of burgers and fries at The Filling Station in Haverstraw and went to the Stony Point lighthouse for a lazy afternoon taking in the view.

The Filling Station - amazing burgers and fries!

Stony Point lighthouse is located at the Stony Point Battlefield historic site.

Earlier this summer we each bought a bike and have been rediscovering how much fun it is to ride! We got a carrier for the car and are now officially bike-toting Subaru drivers. 😊 They rode along to New York with us and we decided to bike the Walkway Over the Hudson in Poughkeepsie. 

Walkway Over the Hudson 

We've been on the Walkway before and it's impressive every time. There's a paved trail on an old railroad bed extending several miles from either side of the bridge. We rode over the bridge a couple times and took the trail on both sides for a total of 20 miles (not the whole length of the trail - we didn't reach the end). It was fantastic! The trail is flat, easy riding. It was a warm, sunny day perfect for feeling the wind as we rode. Sometimes I have the urge to ride fast and it's thrilling to zip along, feeling like a kid again. The bike ride was definitely the highlight of this trip and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys that sort of thing.

I think we might make it a tradition to take a similar trip every year for our anniversary. We've always gone in the summer, but I'm sure fall would be wonderful too. I'm already looking forward to next time!

winds of confusion, lessons from a tree

Is anyone else completely confused about life these days? Has there ever been a time before when so much conflicting information is being shared? How can a tiny germ cause such chaos, but more important issues are ignored? I have no answers and don't know what is truth anymore. News articles are published every day with one site stating a "fact" while another site states a "fact" that is the polar opposite. I don't spend a lot of time reading the news but skim headlines and hear other people's conversations. It seems like conspiracy theories, which I automatically mistrust, are everywhere, and I've finally concluded you can't believe anything. You can call me cynical, I know I am. Thank God this is not my permanent country! Unfortunately I can't bury my head in the sand, though. Somehow we have to cope with these accusations, recommendations, theories, movements, divisions, and riots that are swirling like dark clouds around us.

Maybe the reason this is on my mind is because I went back to work today after a two week quarantine due to a member of our household who was COVID positive. Cooking, cleaning, working outside, and being a homemaker was such a simple life. I never got bored, although I did get tired of cooking! Now I'm back to wearing a mask for 8 hours and following hospital regulations. I hugged a coworker and got reprimanded. (COVID! Social distance!) Another coworker still gets on my nerves. While driving to work this morning I purposed to be tolerant and kind. Unsuccessful. After two weeks of being around people who don't make a big deal out of COVID, going back to the high alert level of healthcare was kind of exhausting. On the bright side, more than one person told me I was missed and they were so glad to have me back. Maybe I am needed more than I realize! I need to focus on doing my small part instead of the restrictions and unpleasantness. 

Last week we went to Ohio to be with Chad and Keela and kiddos for a couple days. It was one of those spur of the moment decisions... I was quarantined and Cliff could get off, so we went! We spent part of a day at Lake Erie and I keep remembering something we saw there. The coastline is rocky, but at one place where we walked along, trees were growing in the boulders. At some places the roots were exposed on top of the rocks, then there were cracks and crevices where the roots snaked down to the water. I think there's life lessons to be learned from that. Overcoming obstacles, thriving in adverse circumstances, and staying strong when heavy winds are blowing were some of the inspirations that came to me. That's what I want to focus on instead of the turmoil around us!

still waters run deep

I've been asking myself a question in regards to this blog and haven't figured out an answer. 

Recently I was told (again) that I live a life that's "all about me" and I know it's true. It seems so repugnant to be that kind of person. I haven't yet found a way out and feel this is just part of the journey I'm on right now. In taking stock of everything I do that is self-centered, I've wondered about this blog. It truly IS all about me. Yet some have mentioned it's a way of giving myself to others by sharing my life and thoughts. Writing is the easiest way for me to communicate, and maybe this is how I can connect with people. The downside is that I write things I'd probably never say, thereby opening myself to criticism. As a side note, I do appreciate constructive criticism and know I need to learn how to better handle all types of criticism/reproof. 

Maybe one of the reasons I find it hard to talk is because I have low tolerance for "fluff" but it seems you need a certain amount of it to carry on a conversation. When I write, I can talk about "real" things and be honest with my thoughts. I love it when people are real and aren't just putting out a culturally acceptable version of themselves. The above quote and title of this blog reflect my thoughts down that line. But where is the balance between accepting who you are and trying to blend in? 

Since writing is how I process my thoughts and feelings, maybe I should do it solely for my own benefit and stop blogging. I'm not necessarily looking for input, just stating my thoughts so others will understand if I decide to permanently delete this.