stillness and solitude

Today was one of those rare days when there was nothing pressing to be done and I didn't feel guilty taking time for solitude. Having the luxury of staying inside on a rainy day is noteworthy, indeed. I felt extremely blessed to have the day at home and be able to meditate. Having 2 days off in the middle of the week almost makes up for working 3 weekends in a row. I'm trying to be grateful for that and not let my schedule stress me out, although that's been tough lately. I can almost feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it, so I won't go there. 

Lately I've become aware that unless I make a conscious effort to be still, there's always some kind of commotion filling my mind. My phone can be quite handy and I'm delighted to use it to shop, listen to audiobooks, and stay in touch with family and friends. But I find myself picking it up any time I have a spare minute, and soon I've wasted many minutes just browsing. My mind becomes cluttered with news, statuses, chats, and other bits and pieces. There's no time for devotions other than listening to the yearly Bible plan while getting ready for the day. I get annoyed easily. I'm craving peace and quiet but there's all this NOISE!! 

One day I'm at home alone and I find a comfy spot to sit and read the Bible, the Messenger, or a devotional book. My phone is out of sight in another room and I refuse to pick it up. I sit in the beautiful silence, listen, and think. The turmoil inside calms and a peace settles around me. Now I can hear if God wants to speak. I want to stay here forever! 

Solitude is good for the soul. It doesn't always have to be spiritual. Sitting in utter silence without any distractions has a way of clearing your mind. I want to make it a priority to step back at least once a week, tune out the demands of work and home, and soak in the balm of being still.

hurt, vulnerability, and love

I'm afraid this post is going to be a tough one. Usually there has to be some kind of inspiration before I write. Sometimes the words come flying out and other times it's a struggle because of how personal the inspiration is and how vulnerable I become when I share it. That vulnerability is especially hard because I try to lock up and forget past hurts. Along with that I'm determined to never allow myself to get in a position of being hurt again. The downside is that resolve makes me a numb, hard, uncaring person who doesn't want to get too close to anybody. I become even more walled in and bitter. It happens gradually without notice, then one day I realize what I've become. Now I have a choice  - continue with a cold, proud heart immune to hurt and become someone I never wanted to be, or let the ugliness out and be healed, realizing that will again make me vulnerable to hurt.

Love. Such a beautiful word, but so difficult to understand. This week, 1 John 4:8 was part of my reading. "He that loveth not knoweth not God." No question. Just the plain, easy-to-understand truth. And it describes me. I don't fully understand why or how I became that person, and maybe don't need to figure that out. But now that I know I'm one who "loveth not", what should I do about it? There's no chance of remedying it on my own. I'm defeated before I even try. That leaves one answer - only from God. With my own determination there's no way I could like, never mind LOVE, that coworker I can't stand. And in all reality, I probably never will like him. But despising, avoiding, and talking unkindly about him is certainly not Godly love. 

So that's the real, ugly truth. Satan is trying to tell me I'm a hypocrite for saying these things, because it sounds righteous and preachy and I fall so far short. My proud, selfish nature is always going to be there. But by God's grace, I won't be that miserable, unhappy, uncaring person whom I never wanted to be.