There's a jumble of thoughts in my head that I'm trying to come to peace with, and writing usually helps straighten them out. This is mostly an outlet for me, and if it doesn't interest you, I completely understand. If reading this feels like a waste of your time, please go do something worthwhile like hugging your child or calling your grandma instead.
My dear, spunky Grandma Swarey is no longer with us, and it feels like part of my life is over. It's not only her passing that makes me feel that way; rather, it's a combination of milestones and events. I think I now understand why midlife crisis is a thing. It's completely frightening to one day do the math and figure out that something you are thinking of happened 20 years ago and you've been married almost as long as you were single. There's a Grandma-shaped piece of your childhood that is gone forever. You've been realizing lately that things you once thought exciting barely raise a flicker of interest anymore. The happy expectations as a child and youth have faded into a routine of work, a schedule, and responsibilities. And horrors! When my parents were the age I am now I thought they had it all figured out!
It's made me realize that what I have right now will be gone someday too, and I want to grab it fiercely and enjoy each moment. I've come to this realization gradually, but I'm now fully convinced that other than a relationship with God, there is NOTHING in life more important than those who are dearest. With that uppermost, it's easy to see when something comes in the way and I need to make a change or cut back. Maybe I don't actually need more money or an exciting, fulfilling job. What I actually want is the flexibility to take a day off on the spur of the moment, and to be there when the family is together. It's about wanting less and understanding I already have everything I need.
