Friday evening reflection

It's a Friday summer evening, I just savored a  chocolate dipped chocolate ice cream bar, and I'm lounging in my deck chair... this is what makes life good! 😄

Schwan's Double Chocolate Ice Cream Bars 😋

It was a stressful yet rewarding work week. I was off most of last week and was surprised at the warm welcome back I got. Now that my training is over and I'm on my own, I'm enjoying my job more. I know for a certainty I don't want to be anywhere but the IV room, and I'm trying to get transferred there full time. It comes with a lot of drama and stress though, because of certain people and how things are handled. I try not to get involved, but one of the techs is having major problems in her personal life and freely talks about it every day. Last weekend the wife of her "side piece" called while she was at work and confronted her about their affair. Since then things have blown up and every day she's unloading on some of our male coworkers, who she also hangs out with outside of work. They have their own significant others, who aren't happy about the attention she gives them. There's a lot more to the story, but I don't need to go into all the details. It's not easy working with her, but I think she's desperately unhappy. She doesn't have any real friends. It's hard not to join in all the gossip, although I don't want anything to do with the drama so I try to stay out of it. 

Another coworker has lost her dad and her dog (she's single, and the dog was a close companion) within the last year. A couple weeks ago, her mom came in for surgery and had major complications. She ended up on a ventilator, dialysis, and all kinds of life-sustaining treatment. It sounds like she won't recover and it's only a matter of time before they've exhausted all the options. My coworker is holding up remarkably well, but it's taking a toll. 

Our manager has been implementing some new processes to make our IV room more compliant with regulations, and there's been a few rough days. Some people can hardly handle change and it's hard for them to retrain their thinking. They get up tight and start lashing out at others, and things go downhill fast. Yesterday was one of the most chaotic I've experienced. I was on stats 2 days in a row, and the first day was calm and almost boring. The next day, it was out of control. I couldn't keep up and at one point there were 3 of us doing stats. At least I finally felt useful! It was actually one of the best days I've had at work because that speed is much more to my liking. It exhausts me to not be busy and have to look for things to do. Some of my coworkers told me this morning they didn't know if I'd show up after how I got my butt kicked yesterday! Excuse the crude language, I actually tamed it down from what they really said! 😆 

Even though I don't say a lot about my beliefs or even talk much, I'm realizing people see things. Someone said this morning, "Wendy, you don't curse, do you?" When I said no, she asked if it offended me that they do. I don't feel it's my place to preach or try to correct them, so my response was something like, "No, you're you and I'm me." It does get wearisome being around ungodly people, but it gives me a boost to hear them say things like, "You're always so nice!" 

I'm still glad to leave it all behind at the end of the day. I'll be spending the weekend avoiding work stress! 

June book club + wailing walls

Last week started with Monday morning book club at Kirbyville Farm Market. June's book Educated won high marks from everyone. Some said it's been the best one so far! 

I certainly enjoyed reading it again. It's a memoir but reads like a story, and is hard to put down once you get started.

Kaleigh picked The Last Green Valley for our next book. It's a WWII historical fiction novel, right down my alley. I started reading this weekend and so far, I'm hooked!

On the job front, things have been going much the same. I finally finished training in the IV room last week, and managed to do stats on my own a few days. According to what I've heard, some people do fine with training until they get to stats, then break down under the pressure. It can definitely be stressful, but I think I might end up liking it best. Intensity doesn't bother me and there's always someone to help if you're drowning. Also, we get to work with some interesting drugs. We do lots of meds for the pediatric cancer center, and all three vaccines (Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson) came through on different days last week. I also made IV's for a gift of life donor and a transplant patient. 

I've been at LVHN almost 6 months, which is the time I vowed to give myself to see if things got better. Some things are better now that I'm in the IV room, but there's still an underlying discontent and unhappiness. I have been exploring other opportunities, but I'm reluctant to switch jobs again and the unknown scares me tremendously. What if I dislike the next place just as much as this one? I would've been better off staying where I am. I actually feel paralyzed by my indecision and unhappiness with my current situation. It's affected my mood and zeal for life, and I can't seem to dig myself out of this hole.

In Sue Monk Kidd's The Secret Life of Bees, May, one of the main characters, suffers from depression and is overly sensitive to the world's sadness. Her sisters constructed a "wailing wall" like the one in Jerusalem, and when May is feeling sad, she writes down what is bothering her and sticks the notes in the wall. 

May's wailing wall spoke deeply to me, and ever since I read this book, I've wanted to make my own. Somehow I think I'd find it therapeutic. Maybe one of these days I'll gather up the energy to get started! 

let yourself just BE

It seems my unhappiness at work has consumed my time and taken away my joy and inspiration. I had a really rough week where I dreaded getting up every day and seriously thought about quitting on the spot. This week was better, though, and I'm starting to think I might stay. I doubt I'll ever love it there, but the work I do is becoming more enjoyable so that helps. 

One reason I have a hard time settling at my job is because I feel the worldly atmosphere has taken a toll on my spiritual life. Being around the language, music, and attitudes of a non-Christian environment makes its way into my thoughts and life, and I haven't been strong enough to resist. I really don't know how to act in some of the situations I encounter. The times when someone is matter-of-factly talking about their messed up life, saying things about spouse and family relationships that I find heartbreaking. All the off-color, sexual conversations. People talking dirt about coworkers. Those who have rigid beliefs about covid, and want you to stay away from them if you're not vaxxed. Working closely with the conspicuously gay. These are things I encounter every day. So many people need Jesus.

I've felt weirdly invisible because I don't join in most conversations, so I'm ignored. Social skills are not my talent, and I can't figure out how to relate to these people on anything besides work. There are a few who have been very nice and I'm grateful for that. 

Somehow I need to figure out a way to live in this less than ideal life. I realize that IS life, and no situation is ideal. I'm sure it's obvious that I live in my head and try to escape real life. What I really want is to be someone who loves others, and is thoughtful and kind. I need to get out of my head and stop thinking about myself. I know this, but that doesn't make it happen. And even if I am that person, it doesn't mean people will like me. 

The following quote sums it up better than anything. 

Let yourself just be even in the uncertainty. ♡♡♡

the simple life

The Simple Life

An attempt at haiku

A pink wheelbarrow, 

Wood chips spread around hostas.

Ugh, a snake slithers!

Transplanting bushes,

Stubborn rocks in every hole.

Two broken shovels.

Sweet sister arrives,

Bearing caramel iced coffee.

Highlight of my day!

More loads of wood chips,

Trimming bushes, gloved hand hits

A hidden serpent.

It plays dead, briefly,

Then unwinds and glides away.

These reptiles I hate!

A bug is inhaled

My brow drips, hands stained with dirt,

And progress is made.

Small annoyances

Can't touch me. I'm loving this

Time outside, at home.

Nature, a good book,

Away from work, I feel free!

It was a fine day.

W Smith

a shameless promotion + May book club

In this post I mentioned a book I was reading where the author courageously wrote about her struggles with darkness and life's hard times. I was lucky enough to get an advance copy in return for sharing my review and promoting this remarkable book.

Peanut Butter and Dragon Wings

by Shari Zook

About Shari, copied from her book:

Shari Zook is a pastor's wife, mother of four, and foster parent for the past seven years. She bakes cakes, grows herbs, and reads amazing books, but her heart is in raising children, crafting words, and connecting with women. She lives with her family in northwestern Pennsylvania and attends Meadville Mennonite Chapel, where her husband, Ryan, pastors. Her blog, Confessions of a Woman Learning to Live, can be found at sharizook.com.

I was introduced to Shari's blog over a year ago and have been inspired many times by her writing. Even though some of her posts deal with hard things, she writes with humor and courage. I was thrilled when she announced she was writing a book!

About Peanut Butter and Dragon Wings, copied from book description:

Longing for permission to be real about your own needs and struggles? Permission granted.

As good Christian moms, we're not supposed to ask for much. Jesus meets all our needs and we're supposed to be the light of the world to everybody else, right? Wrong.

Shari Zook appeared to be an overachieving supermom who deftly supported her pastor-husband and their congregation, homeschooled their children, and cared for foster children through the ups and downs of placements. But inside, her world was growing increasingly desperate as she struggled with the grief of miscarriage, parenting a difficult child, and spiraling depression. 

In her darkest hour, Zook let go of her need to appear super-human and reached out to receive God's unfolding grace. With humor and artistry, Peanut Butter and Dragon Wings gives us permission to step out from behind the appearance of rose-filtered perception and embrace the authenticity of honest need and human limitations. In the book's twelve chapters you'll find twelve practical ways to reach for a faith that includes doubt, and holiness that includes failure. 

My review: 

The fact that I, not a mom, could connect with Shari's struggles, speaks for itself. This book is not only about fostering and parenting, but also about depression, marriage problems, and friendships. To me, this book is outstanding because Shari is so honest about the ugliness we desperately try to hide or imagine away. It's helped me realize I can do that too. She truly makes broken look beautiful.

I'm shamelessly promoting Peanut Butter and Dragon Wings because it's an impressive, worthwhile book. Release date July 6, available here for pre-order on Amazon.

Now for a note on book club.

We had a lot to discuss on The Happiness Project. I like the idea from a friend of doing a book study with a group, meeting after every chapter. There's so many practical tips and suggestions to ponder. I like the way Gretchen makes lists such as "Secrets of Adulthood" and "Twelve Commandments". It's inspired me to make some of my own! Also, I love the many quotes, such as this:

An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth. -Mark Twain

Obviously, I'm a fan of this book, but I understand why some don't appreciate it. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine! It's also not a quick, easy read. I had a hard time finishing the physical copy. I'm glad I listened to the audiobook first, which is read by Gretchen and seems easier to digest. I may revisit it every year or so!

Valarie chose Educated for our June book. 

I received my copy in the mail today and am looking forward to getting lost in it's pages!

daily living

The last while I've felt like I had nothing worthwhile to write about. Life has seemed rather discouraging lately. I'm getting older, I feel stuck in my job, household chores are a drudgery, and I lack the energy to meet my own expectations. I don't mean to sound unthankful, because I really have it made in so many ways, but I don't think I'm the only one who goes through times like this. I know "this too shall pass." Also, one of my takeaways from rereading The Happiness Project is that being happy takes an effort. 

Actually, my job is not as much of a drag now that I'm in the IV room. I definitely have clarity on this - sterile compounding is my niche within the pharmacy world. I wouldn't last long in pharmacy if I was only doing the routine work. There's a few new things I had to learn in the IV room, but the basics are the same. At LVHN, they have a much larger volume of compounding, and there's 4 roles the day shift techs fill. Everyone rotates through the positions of manufacturing, syringes, fill list, and stats.

Most people dislike syringes the most, and I have to agree. In one shift it's very likely you'll do over 1,000 syringes, and it's time-consuming but monotonous. I actually got blisters after training on syringes for a week! The fill list and stat positions are for patient-specific doses that aren't made in a batch. There's a program we use where you take pictures of what you do, and that's how the pharmacist checks your work. For example, I have to make a dose of acyclovir in normal saline. In the dispensing program, I scan the patient label, the normal saline bag, and acyclovir. Then I draw up the correct amount of drug, and take a picture of that syringe beside the vials of drug and the saline bag. Then I inject the drug, seal and label the bag, and take a picture of the finished product. The program also tells you exactly how much drug (in mLs) to draw up, so it's not as critical to do the math, but there's other things we do, like Botox, where you have to do a lot of math. 

Botox was something I had to learn how to do. They do quite a lot at LVHN (generally not for cosmetic purposes), and doctors order it in different strengths so we have to figure out things like this: the concentration needs to be 5 units per 0.1 ml, and total dose is 300 units. There's only a few tiny grains of drug per 100 or 200 unit vial, which gets diluted with normal saline. How much saline do you add to the vial to get the correct concentration of 5 units/0.1 mL? There might be 4 or 5 different concentrations and doses to figure out, and it can get confusing pretty quickly. I like the challenge, though! 

Relationships between the IV techs are kind of treacherous. Some don't get along, and everyone knows it. Depending who you're with, you'll hear a lot of trash talk about others. I'm mostly quiet because I can't relate to a majority of the things they talk about. By the end of my shift, I'm definitely ready to leave it all behind. Thinking of staying there long-term is not a very happy thought, but I have no other good option so I'm trying to resign myself. 

What I'd really like to do is live and work in another country for several months every year. Something that involves writing and reading. 😄 Dreams, dreams, I know.

books to make you cry + rating criteria

I've been in the mood lately for books that make me cry. Maybe that sounds strange, but I enjoy those! Tearing up while reading a book is quite normal for me, but I'm thinking about the ones that make you want to lie on the couch and dissolve in a puddle. I need a few more in my life, so I'd like to hear what books make that list for you! Two books immediately came to mind, although I'm sure there's more. Interestingly, these books are also on my 5 star favorites list. 

A Tale of Two Cities 

Charles Dickens

Historical fiction

Brilliant story telling, tremendous love and sadness, beautiful writing, history... this book checks all the boxes for me. Not to mention it also starts with my absolute favorite first line. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... 

I reread A Tale of Two Cities this winter, and yup, ended up in a puddle. 

If you don't know much about the French Revolution, educate yourself on the bare basics before reading this book. It makes it much more comprehensible.

The Book Thief

Markus Zusak

Historical fiction 

Not only is The Book Thief a truly sad story, it's exquisitely written. I love the writing almost more than I love the story. The dark humor, the fact it's narrated by Death, and all the wonderful quotes - I will restrain myself from gushing, but believe me, I COULD. 

However, I must post some of these amazing quotes. 

I am in awe.

Now, on to another book-related topic. I like to give the books I read a star rating from 1 - 5, and have been thinking I need to define what each star means. There's a variety of opinions on this, but I found something that matched my thinking and decided to adopt it as my standard. I found myself giving many books 4 stars, but according to this measure, some of them would only be 3. 

5 stars: it was amazing! These are the books that pull me in and make me feel, I can't stop thinking about, take me on a journey, or give me new thoughts and ideas. Books I'd like to own a copy of and cherish (although I read a lot, I rarely own hard copies).  

4 stars: I really liked it. A great book, one to recommend. It holds my attention and is good entertainment. Doesn't have the "wow factor" of a 5 star.

3 stars: I liked it. Not super remarkable, but still a good read.

2 stars: It was ok. Not awful, but not great either. These books are a waste of time.

1 star: didn't like it. A book that is boring or inferior in some way, one I would never recommend. I may not even have finished it.

I'll be waiting to hear what books make you cry! 😀

work dynamics

This week I started training in the IV room at work. I'm still figuring out the team dynamics and have had many impressions! Much like when I first started at LVHN, my strongest feeling is surprise/amazement. How are they getting away with this?? 

To give a little background information, there are strict regulations regarding sterile compounding that are enforced by the FDA and other organizations because the IV's we make have potential to harm patients if they are contaminated. When I first started making IV's, I was introduced to these rules by the pharmacists and technicians who trained me. Most of my knowledge was gained from them, but I also did some lessons and watched videos. As a new employee at LVHN, I've been assigned a more intensive course of lessons and tests I have to do before beginning sterile compounding. It's quite informative and in-depth, and I actually enjoy studying and learning the regulations. Part of my days have been spent observing in the clean room, helping with labeling and other minor tasks, while the rest of the day I'm in a quiet area studying. 

There's a BIG difference between my studies and reality. LVHN's facility is not up to standard regarding clean room construction and design, and their practices do not follow the requirements. They are aware of this, and recently got a new manager who is trying to remedy things. Since the rooms are not designed the way they should be, there's only so much that can be done. Employees can and should be required to follow the rules, though. However, I've observed very poor compliance in hand washing and garbing. One of the techs was caught going into the clean room to compound WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS. This is wrong on so many levels, and I can't believe he didn't have the personal accountability to know that even though he might get away with it, his actions could harm someone. That's just one example. I've seen other things happening that would've never been allowed at St. Joe's. You would've got yelled at. Sometimes their strictness and rigidity annoyed me, but now I see that's much preferable to leniency. We also frequently had inspectors come in and we had to always be ready for that possibility. I asked the person who was training me about that, and he said they don't get inspected very often. He also mentioned he was suspicious of corruption, and I'm beginning to think there's something to it. 

Some of the people who work in the main pharmacy have the impression the IV people consider themselves "the elite" and won't talk to the lowly people working outside of the IV room. I can see why they have that impression. I was told the IV people are a tough group, and I can see why I was told that, too. I'm not sure where I'm going to fit in with all that. There are some very strong personalities in there, people who are polar opposites of me. I was even told (jokingly) today by one of the techs,"You can't talk to those people (in the main pharmacy) anymore if you want to be part of the IV team." I let him know I wasn't going to be like that! They're a small group within a larger group, and that could feel more comfortable. On the other hand, I kind of get the feeling if I don't want to be part of their "clique" I won't be accepted. There's definitely some who have attitudes about other techs, and they talk disparagingly of them. Apparently to be an IV tech you have to be a bit of a drama queen/king.

To a certain extent, I'm not even trying to be accepted because my lifestyle is so different from theirs I might as well be from another planet. Music is a HUGE part of the atmosphere there, and they usually have it blasting in the clean room. It's the type that's on the opposite end of the spectrum from gospel music. I was told today that there are limits on the volume and type, but I wouldn't have guessed it. Apparently there have been times when people walking down the hallway on the other side of the clean room have complained of loud, inappropriate music being played. That's just another example of rule flouting, since it definitely would not be recommended to play music in a clean room environment. The person who does stats is in charge of music selection, because they have the most intense job and it helps them focus. What happens when I'M that person?? 😅 I mentioned to Cliff tonight that if anyone wants to feel like a pilgrim and stranger they should try working in the kind of environment I'm in. 

After the last post I wrote on my job, I had some questions on why exactly I'm not happy there. Maybe what I've written here will make that a little clearer. There's more I could say about it, but I think this is long enough for now!

April book club + bonus book

Here's the details on our April book club (a bit late) and our next book!

March pick / April discussion 

Roots of Wood and Stone

By Amanda Wen

Christian fiction

☆☆☆

This is Amanda Wen's first book, set in Sedgwick County, Kansas. Some of the characters are loosely based on her pioneer ancestors. 

The story flips between current day characters Sloane Kelley and Garrett Anderson, and nineteenth century pioneer Annabelle Collins, whose diaries Garrett found while cleaning out his grandmother's old farmhouse. 

I enjoyed the storyline, especially Annabelle's diaries. The romance between Sloane and Garrett was rather distracting and at times cringey.

Overall Roots of Wood and Stone is a quick, easy read. I seldom read Christian fiction, so this was a different genre to explore. And that's one of the reasons to be in a book club! 

I look forward to our discussions every month. It's always refreshing and fun to get together for some quality book-discussing time!

Camille picked The Happiness Project for our next book. I loved it when I listened to it, and I'm expecting it will take a while to read a hard copy because I'll be highlighting and taking notes every other paragraph! It's something I wanted to do anyway, so this gives me a deadline.

Now, a bonus book.

A Year in Provence

By Peter Mayle

Nonfiction 

☆☆☆☆☆

After seeing A Year in Provence recommended by another blogger, I listened to it on my day off. Not a long story, but absolutely brimming with warmth, humor, and food. It's next best to actually traveling to France! The author has a wonderful sense of humor, and hearing him read the book made it even more impressive. Also? A brilliant first line.

"The year began with lunch." 

It perfectly sets the stage for what's to come. 5 stars!

a confession

With hesitation and uncertainty I begin this post. I've been told for as long as I remember that I'm too negative, too dark, to be content, and be thankful. And it's all true. I know I have much to be thankful for. But I also feel discontent and there's a mountain I face every day. The truth is, I dread going to work. It's literally sapping my strength, or else there's a deficiency of some kind in my body because I have no energy in spite of many vitamins, exercise, and pep pills. I fear this is the beginning of a slide into darkness. I know the signs, I've been here before. But I don't see a way out. Why would I quit after I felt this was the right thing to do? Nothing else has opened up. Even though there was much better camaraderie at my old job, there were too many other issues and I wouldn't want to go back. It would be ridiculous to quit a job that provides decent income, health coverage for me and my spouse, paid time off, and a consistent schedule. And what would I do? Is this how everyone else lives? Just slogging through, doing their job. 

Or is it all in my attitude? "Change your outlook," I can just hear the positive people saying. "You have it so good! I'd love to do what you're doing!" So what's wrong with me? 

At this time, keeping on seems the only option. I'm trying to look at the positive, but confess it doesn't make me feel any different inside. I hate putting on a false happy and acting like everything is "fine, fine." I felt a need to get my true feelings out. I apologize if this sounds whiny, I really don't want to complain, or even talk about myself. But I'm reading a book where the author is shining a light into her personal darkness and failure to meet her own standards, and it's profound. I wonder what would happen if I did that? 

You will be hearing more on the book, but for now I'll just say it's been enlightening.  

oh, spring!

Golden sunshine

A field of brilliant spring green

Luscious yellow and white daffodils

Forsythia branches of brightly colored blossoms

And yes, even the dandelion

Is balm 

For winter-clouded eyes.

Have you noticed 

In early spring

When trees are still bare of leaves

How dazzlingly bright the sun streams

through their uncovered branches?

Warming the earth,

Waking it from its cold, dark slumber.

Or the abundant hues

Of green and gold

In grass, flower, and hedge?

Yellow

Means hope, laughter, and sunshine.

Green

Is optimism, health, and new beginnings.

In the drab of winter 

I forget how radiant

Is the spring.

And every year

I marvel

At its colors, sounds, and effect

On my awed, enraptured soul.

Books in review - March

As I mentioned last month, I'm doing book reviews for Revell Books. In March I only read one book from their program, but I'll mention a few others on my reading list this month.

Miriam's Song

by Jill Eileen Smith

biblical fiction

☆☆☆

Let me start by saying I don't read many books of this type, because I haven't found them too impressive. The ones I have read (with a few exceptions) feel romanticized. To judge a book by its cover, I thought this one would fit the mould. Although it does contain a small amount of romance, it seemed very well researched and biblically accurate. 

What I found most intriguing about this book was that the author chose to use Hatshepsut (female pharaoh of Egypt who reigned circa 1479-1458 BC) as the princess who rescued Moses. I wanted to know how she came to that conclusion, so I contacted the author. Interestingly enough, she replied with an excerpt from one of her sources. (If anyone is as nerdy as me and wants to know full details, I can forward it to you!) Anyway, the time periods do line up, even though Hatshepsut would have been only seven at the time she discovered Moses. 

This book is just as much about Moses as it is about Miriam. I don't find fault with that, since there isn't a lot in the Bible about Miriam, and I found Moses' story just as interesting. 

This is the first book I've read by this author, but she has quite a collection of books on women from the Bible. If anyone is interested in owning Miriam's Song, let me know in the comments below. Again, if several people express interest, I'll do a drawing. 😄

While we're on the topic of biblical fiction, there's another book I highly recommend. I'm currently re-reading it, and it's perfect for the Easter season. 

The Robe

by Lloyd C. Douglas

☆☆☆☆☆

The inspiration for this book came from a letter Lloyd Douglas received. A woman asked this minister and author what he thought happened to Jesus's garment after the crucifixion. This is the story of the soldier who bartered for and won His robe. Every time I read it, I'm impressed with how Jesus is portrayed. His love and kindness is brilliantly depicted. The cruelty of the Roman Empire is well represented too.

Now for some lighter fare. I've been in a bit of a slump with reading lately. Nothing has been too outstanding, so I'm revisiting some of my favorites.

The Help

by Kathryn Stockett

fiction

☆☆☆☆☆

This time around, I listened to the audiobook and it took it to a whole new level! The Help is bursting with warmth and humor. I adore the characters, especially Minnie Jackson and Aibileen Clark. But Hilly? She's a nasty one! If you've read this book, you know about the pie episode. I love how Minnie always refers to it as the "Terrible Awful." I think The Help is near the top of my favorites list!

March book club / hard days

Today was a lovely rainy day perfect for staying at home and not doing much except a bit of wash, napping and reading; also a pleasant hour discussing Flowers for Algernon at book club. 

Flowers for Algernon

By Daniel Keyes

Science fiction 

☆☆☆☆

There were varied reviews on the book, and several said it made them cry. Others felt angry. One person was so mad at the ending she said she wanted to throw the book away. But she couldn't stop thinking about it, and to me, that's exactly why it's a good book! I've come to like the books that don't end happily-ever-after. They leave a deeper impression and seem more relatable. But there's a place for fairy tales, too. When real life is too heavy, a light, dreamy book is needed to counterbalance the weight. 

Laurie chose Roots of Wood and Stone for our next book. It's a new release, published in 2021, and has good reviews.

It was extra nice having a relaxing day at home after a rather stressful one yesterday. I was halfway to work when I got a message from Cliff asking if I didn't need my badge. I immediately knew I had a problem. In my four years at St. Joe's I don't remember ever forgetting my badge, but other people did and usually had to go back to get it. Not knowing what happens at LVHN when you forget your badge, I decided to turn around for it. I could have gotten inside the building without one, but couldn't clock in or enter the pharmacy. To make things worse, I was supposed to start earlier than usual since I was scheduled for the OR satellite pharmacy. Last week I trained there three days, and this was my first day on my own. The satellite is only staffed by 1 pharmacist and 1 technician, so I threw off the whole routine by being late. It was probably more in my head than reality, but it seemed like it messed up the whole day. Also, I don't exactly like the OR pharmacy because there's not much to do and I get bored. So I pretty much felt like crawling in a hole all day long. 

Even though I'm not too keen on the OR pharmacy, I do enjoy being around the activity and getting a glimpse of surgery as I walk past the operating rooms. I got more than a glimpse yesterday when I had to take meds in a room where they were doing a neck operation. After one look I knew I had to focus on what I was doing and block out that image because I would've soon felt light-headed. There's certain body parts that the idea of operating on is more terrifying than others, and I guess the neck is one that makes me cringe! Delivering meds to the children's OR recovery area where several patients were crying made me feel like crying too. It's the same when I go to PICU (pediatric ICU). So much pain and sadness.

I don't want to finish on that note, but like those books I mentioned, there isn't always a happy ending. So I'll conclude with a favorite quote about endings.

the way you sparkle

Time keeps moving along and I've been at my new job two months now. It's a relief to have that behind me! I'm not sure what's wrong with me but the bold truth is I've failed to connect to the new environment. Although I'm confident with what I'm doing and can find my way around what seemed like a maze in the beginning, something still feels foreign. I don't find the work challenging, and often have to look for extra things to do to stay busy. I'm still leaving room for the possibility that I'll view things differently once I'm in the IV room. They say they're short staffed and extremely busy, so that seems a little more my pace. I'm next in line to get trained, but don't know what the time frame is - weeks or months. I am itching to stab some IV's again. 😄 

There's more I could say, but that's probably enough griping for now. It's not all bad, either, but in general I feel like the job doesn't leave me sparkling in the way this quote describes. 

I absolutely love this because it is so true! When someone talks about the things they love, there's a sparkle and shine to their eyes and face. And I also know you can feel when you have that sparkle. Maybe I'm being too idealistic and dreamy, as usual. But I really don't want to settle for mediocre!

It was a lovely warm day today and there's more coming. I feel like a daffodil that's been buried in the cold, dark earth all winter, ready to break out into the sunshine and fresh air of spring!  

Of course, Dickens knew how to describe it perfectly!

dreamers and doubters

Is it a blessing or a curse to be a dreamer? Even though I've learned dreams can be a source of pain when they don't come true, I also believe it's a sign of healing when they begin again. 

I'm a hopeless dreamer. Even when I know it's unrealistic and unlikely to happen, I still take pleasure in dreaming. There's so many thoughts to delight in! Thinking about which flowers to plant this spring is a favorite for this time of year. Other pleasant topics include weekend getaways, travel, job possibilities, my dream house, and ways of improving myself. 

I spend a lot of time in my head. As I've been thinking about this, something started nagging at the edge of my mind. Is all this a way of escaping reality? If so, is there something wrong with that? Life can get monotonous, and going to work day after day can become a drudgery. Cold, dreary days cast gloom over everything. Sometimes life is just too painful and escaping through dreams or books is a way to cope. 

 

Now I'm feeling guilty for being a dreamer. If I suppress the dreamer in me, the cynic will be unleashed. Letting out my inner Scrooge is only going to lead to misery. I prefer dreams! In reality, I'm probably equal parts dreamer and cynic. I certainly don't view the world through rose-colored glasses. And I tend to scoff at the shiny, rainbow colored dreams of youth. There's plenty to be cynical about, so if I'm still able to dream, isn't that a blessing?