a confession

With hesitation and uncertainty I begin this post. I've been told for as long as I remember that I'm too negative, too dark, to be content, and be thankful. And it's all true. I know I have much to be thankful for. But I also feel discontent and there's a mountain I face every day. The truth is, I dread going to work. It's literally sapping my strength, or else there's a deficiency of some kind in my body because I have no energy in spite of many vitamins, exercise, and pep pills. I fear this is the beginning of a slide into darkness. I know the signs, I've been here before. But I don't see a way out. Why would I quit after I felt this was the right thing to do? Nothing else has opened up. Even though there was much better camaraderie at my old job, there were too many other issues and I wouldn't want to go back. It would be ridiculous to quit a job that provides decent income, health coverage for me and my spouse, paid time off, and a consistent schedule. And what would I do? Is this how everyone else lives? Just slogging through, doing their job. 

Or is it all in my attitude? "Change your outlook," I can just hear the positive people saying. "You have it so good! I'd love to do what you're doing!" So what's wrong with me? 

At this time, keeping on seems the only option. I'm trying to look at the positive, but confess it doesn't make me feel any different inside. I hate putting on a false happy and acting like everything is "fine, fine." I felt a need to get my true feelings out. I apologize if this sounds whiny, I really don't want to complain, or even talk about myself. But I'm reading a book where the author is shining a light into her personal darkness and failure to meet her own standards, and it's profound. I wonder what would happen if I did that? 

You will be hearing more on the book, but for now I'll just say it's been enlightening.