With hesitation and uncertainty I begin this post. I've been told for as long as I remember that I'm too negative, too dark, to be content, and be thankful. And it's all true. I know I have much to be thankful for. But I also feel discontent and there's a mountain I face every day. The truth is, I dread going to work. It's literally sapping my strength, or else there's a deficiency of some kind in my body because I have no energy in spite of many vitamins, exercise, and pep pills. I fear this is the beginning of a slide into darkness. I know the signs, I've been here before. But I don't see a way out. Why would I quit after I felt this was the right thing to do? Nothing else has opened up. Even though there was much better camaraderie at my old job, there were too many other issues and I wouldn't want to go back.
It would be ridiculous to quit a job that provides decent income, health coverage for me and my spouse, paid time off, and a consistent schedule. And what would I do? Is this how everyone else lives? Just slogging through, doing their job.
Or is it all in my attitude? "Change your outlook," I can just hear the positive people saying. "You have it so good! I'd love to do what you're doing!" So what's wrong with me?
At this time, keeping on seems the only option. I'm trying to look at the positive, but confess it doesn't make me feel any different inside. I hate putting on a false happy and acting like everything is "fine, fine." I felt a need to get my true feelings out. I apologize if this sounds whiny, I really don't want to complain, or even talk about myself. But I'm reading a book where the author is shining a light into her personal darkness and failure to meet her own standards, and it's profound. I wonder what would happen if I did that?
You will be hearing more on the book, but for now I'll just say it's been enlightening.
Aww! Thanks for sharing Wendy! I will pray for you! I know being positive, thankful, content definitely is how we should be, and sometimes to get there we have to just ‘fake it till we make it’. BUT there are times that that’s not the case! I know! I’ve been there and if you’re like me it’s hard to let people see that! I do think tho it helps to tell you friends and just be open about. You find out there are others struggling too! And some how that’s a boost. ❤️ 🙏🏽
ReplyDeleteThis song came to my mind while I was reading this, Wendy
ReplyDeleteHold On For The Song
If life were a picture of peace and delight,
There’s be no stormy weather,
No fear of alarm;
There’d be no stony places,
No thorns ‘ neath our feet,
But the cool mountain brooklet
Would covet a song
With no chill of winter,
How could there come spring,
And with nothing to carry
How could we grow strong;
How could there be morning
Without first the night
And with no pain or heartache
Where would come the song
When you’ve crossed the chasm
And dawn breaks at last,
You will know you were carried on Jesus’ strong arm;
In the splendid of morning
The long night is past,
And when you know His goodness
Your heart will sing on
Cho-There’s a song that will come from your valley of pain
And it’s sweet melody will cheer another along;
You will sing of His grace, of His love in the night
IF you’ll only hold on, hold on,
HOLD ON FOR THE SONG
That is beautiful! ♡
DeleteThanks for sharing Wendy! I have gone through times like this too, where another day just looks so big and you have to keep pushing yourself to keep going. Look to the Light, and let us 🎶pray for each other not faint by the way.🎶💛
ReplyDeleteDon't think you're alone in your feelings...I can relate too, but there is a way! Praying that you can find a quietness and rest! 🥰
ReplyDeleteI’ve still been pondering on this post.. when I feel like “running away” from my family/life circumstances, I know deep down that it’s not even an option, really. So I have to accept and make the best of it. When it’s a job or something that I do have a bit of control over, does that make “running away” more of a possible option and somehow my mindset is affected??... idk. Let me know when you figure it out!! Meanwhile, courage for the daily!! 😘
ReplyDeleteI’ve come to the point where I go to work for God, not myself. Giving it to Him, not expecting personal joy or fulfillment, but to realize He has me their for His reasons. Often in hindsight, I hear later about how my coworkers rely on me for mental strength and comfort, but you see it is not me, it’s Him. They are His children too, those you work with, and He loves them just as much, even if you may not, we are vessels. Just my opinion, but I gain joy from glimpses into His love for others, and sometimes I get the honor to be a part of that.
ReplyDelete