morning musings

Being quarantined from work for three weeks has been wonderful and stressful. Although I was aware of this before, I'm even more conscious of the fact that my job has a huge impact on my life. You only have to look at this blog to see that. When I work full-time, I don't write nearly as often, and the theme is mostly work. In the last three weeks, I've written more frequently and the content has changed. I even feel different! My creative side has time to bloom, and my mind is filled with writing ideas, future goals, and dreams. Having time to walk most days helps my mood, and housework isn't so frustrating since I can keep up with it better. I've had time for some wonderful one-on-one chats with friends. My life feels enriched. Working saps my energy, and sometimes it seems the best part of my self goes to my job. I've found myself dreaming of ways to combine my love for home, reading, and writing into an occupation, but a reality check soon brings me back to earth.

On the other side, I've also realized work is good for me. It gives me a purpose. In the last few months, a short quote has impressed me. I'd heard it so often that it almost had no meaning, but one day it really struck me. "Be the best of whatever you are." Be the best pharmacy technician, if that's your job. Be the best teacher, if that's the place you fill. Be the best stay-at-home mom, if that's your calling in life. That quote is part of a longer poem by Douglas Malloch.

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill

Be a scrub in the valley - but be

The best little scrub by the side of the rill;

Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass,

And some highway happier make;

If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass -

But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew,

There's something for all of us here.

There's big work to do, and there's lesser to do,

And the task you must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,

If you can't be the sun be a star;

It isn't by size that you win or you fail -

Be the best of whatever you are!

I think I've just found the content for my April goal - memorize something. 

On another note, it's time for a confession. I've mentioned before that I sometimes question having this blog - it seems selfish and it's brought me reproof, among other things. Being an introvert, trying to make small talk terrifies me and I express myself much better in writing. Putting my thoughts out there has felt risky at times, but usually ends up being rewarding. If I'm going to honestly measure the encouragement I've received against the criticism, encouragement outweighs criticism by far. I don't want to turn away reproof or criticism by saying that, though. I value and will consider it as well. 

With that in mind, I want to say one more thing. As someone who has always loved reading, I want others to know the pleasure a good book can give. Everyone has their own taste when it comes to books, and what I recommend may not be your style, or go against your convictions regarding reading material. The books I read often contain language and/or actions that would not be right for a Christian. When I read those things, I know they're wrong and don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. I might even forget there is such a thing in that book and recommend it to someone else. To me, the good outweighs the bad. Please use your own judgment in deciding whether a book I've mentioned is appropriate for you or your children. 

 

goals, plans, and more about books

A new year always gives me a boost of energy and I enjoy giving thought to what I want to accomplish in the next 365 days. Making lists of goals is the fun part, but I haven't been very successful at putting them into action! Last year I made a "20 for 2020" list, and although I made progress, sadly, I couldn't cross any of them off. This idea comes from author/blogger Gretchen Rubin. If you want to know more, you can read about it here. The idea is to make a list of concrete goals you want to accomplish by the end of the year. It can be things you want to start or stop doing, and you can have fun with the year number, such as "walk 20 minutes a day in 2020." I like to include things I know I'll do anyway, so it's not too overwhelming. I also list a few fun things to do, books to read, and so on. This year I want to make my goals more specific, so instead of saying "make time for exercise" my goal is to walk 500 miles in 2021. I'm trying to come up with ways to hold myself accountable too, and asked a friend to compete in the walking challenge with me. Another approach I'm trying is to break down some of the goals by month, instead of resolving to do it all year long and failing. January is the month I chose to start a book club! (So excited! 😊) In February I want to take 21 minutes every day to do something I enjoy. In March I want to read for at least 21 minutes every day from an actual book. (More on that later.)  August is the month for biking the Walkway Over the Hudson because that's already planned. I'm still tweaking the list and thinking of ways to make my goals attainable and specific. 

As I was making my list, it struck me how many of my goals started with "make time for" or "schedule". Clearly, time management is something I need to work on. I have a feeling if I can accomplish #17 on my list,  (come up with a plan to limit phone time) that will go a long way in freeing up more time. I do think I'm slowly learning how to make better use of my time since I found a planner I love and am doing meal planning and grocery shopping ahead of time. The Homemaker's Friend 2021 planner has already given me so much joy!

Among my favorite features are the space for a menu on each day, a place for writing tasks at the beginning of every week, and tabbed sections for tasks, projects, info, and shopping. I keep a running list of menu ideas in the tasks section, grocery list in the shopping section, and random thoughts/blog ideas/21 for 2021 list under "projects". The blank spaces are highly important to me for writing reminders, random ideas, and other things that keep me awake at night. All I have to do is grab my planner, write it down, and move on! 

Since my last post, I've had some questions about where to get some of the books I mentioned and how to listen to audiobooks. I very rarely own any of the books I recommend. I can't even remember when the last time was that I read a hard copy of a book! I'm fairly certain if I didn't listen to books, I'd hardly read at all. There's always other things to be done, but I can listen to a book while I drive, walk, cook, clean, do wash, sew... anytime, anywhere! Now, I understand my situation is different from those with families and it is probably not advisable to go around with earbuds in your ears, listening to a book, while there are children in the house. I'm just saying what works for me! It helps me stay motivated to do tasks I don't really enjoy if I can escape through a book at the same time! As for where I get the audiobooks, I mostly use the apps Overdrive (Libby is similar), hoopla, and LibriVox. With the exception of LibriVox, these apps are through a public library - I do not pay for audiobooks. Because the book has to be purchased by the library, there are a limited amount of titles available, but I can almost always find what I want. Sometimes you might have to put a hold on a popular book and wait awhile until you can borrow it. You can also electronically recommend the library purchase a book you want to read. They may or may not buy it, but if they do, you'll be notified. Another thing you can do if your library doesn't have a wide selection is get a library card from another county (in the same state). For example, I can also borrow from Allentown library, and I suppose there are others I could sign up for. I'd be interested in ideas from others who listen to audiobooks, as well!

real life complications...and blessings

One of the things that really bothers me is complaining. Is it possible to talk about negative situations we find ourselves in without complaining? Because I don't want to complain, sometimes I refrain from verbalizing my anxiety or negative feelings about something. Eventually it becomes too much, though, and I can't continue internalizing it. I'd really like to know what is the proper way to handle these circumstances. 

I'm writing this post hoping it will help ease some of the anxieties I've been experiencing by putting them into words. I don't know if I can do it in an uncomplaining way, but that is my wish. Unfortunately, this will be another epistle on covid, so you might want to stop reading here if you've already had enough! 

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm currently not working because of Cliff testing positive. This came at a bad time, due to my changing jobs. When I had to quarantine earlier this year, I was paid for my time off. This second time, I only get paid for 3 days because I've reached the maximum quarantine pay allowed. Now the soonest I can start at LVHN is January 11, which leaves me 3 weeks without pay. Cliff was also off for a week without pay, and frankly, we haven't managed our finances as wisely as we should have and there's no extra funds readily available to see us through. I'm having a hard time not stressing about the money/job situation and it's given me insomnia. 

To make things worse, I received a call from LVHN employee health today, and was asked some straightforward questions about how I've been observing quarantine. To give the right answers, I would've had to lie. Some of the questions I was asked - "Are you sleeping in a separate room from your husband, using different bathrooms, wearing a mask when less than 6 feet away from him?" The only way I've quarantined is not going to work or church. I've been with family and all other normal activities. I was told I can't go out for groceries or gas, travel anywhere, be with anyone outside of my household, etc. during this time, and my starting date is on hold until I've successfully quarantined. I don't know how I'm expected to live under such strict regulations, and I'm strongly opposed to an employer telling me how to live my private life. My rebellious streak is highly agitated and I feel desperate. It seems impossible to be honest and comply with rules I find absurd and unattainable. But I really need to go back to work soon, which leaves me feeling trapped. The only conclusion I've come to is lay low and wait and see what happens. Maybe by some miracle I won't have to answer such intrusive questions to be cleared for work.

Now on a more upbeat note - putting aside all the complications, having time off is fantastic!! I have time to go on walks, read, set puzzle, and tackle our budget dilemma. I've experimented with sourdough for the first time and in spite of not following directions correctly, made some tasty cinnamon rolls and bread. More exercising will be necessary. Ideas for blog posts are brewing, and plans for a housewide purge of unused stuff. We're healthy, have food to eat, a comfortable home with everything at our fingertips, and many more blessings. This too shall pass. 

I firmly believe "God is still good." That song has given me courage over and over.

God is still good when the waves roll high

God is still good all through the night

When I've done all I can and I don't understand

God is still good

Clouds of doubt may darken the way

But showers of blessing may come any day

He'll bring me through and I'll stand and say

God is still good.

pros and cons

In my last post I mentioned feeling discontented with my job and experiencing nostalgia for teaching. It caught me by surprise because I thought I had finally put that to rest and no longer missed teaching. Sometimes I wonder why I can't be more settled with where I'm at in life. I know I sound unstable and wishy-washy. I'd like to be more steady and anchored, but don't believe in trying to be something I'm not. Being fake is too exhausting. At 35 years old, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! Part of me would like to settle down and stick with one thing, but the other part of me sees so many opportunities and begins to question if I want to stay in the same place. I'm also realizing how quickly time moves on and how soon we age. Am I using my time in the best way possible, or will I look back in 20 years and say "I should have taken that opportunity!"? This quote has been an inspiration to me many times, although I don't know exactly what it means for me.

What are the bowlines keeping me in the safe harbor? Could the safe harbor actually be the place I should stay? So many conflicting thoughts leave me feeling a little topsy-turvy. In an attempt to make sense of it all, I decided to make a list of pros and cons of being a teacher versus pros and cons of my current job. It helped to see it spelled out, but didn't completely clear it up. Here's a condensed version of that list. The items are not listed in order of importance.

Teaching: Pros

• Challenging and rewarding
• Involvement with church people, co-teachers
• Teaching subjects that inspire me
• Always opportunity to gain expertise
• Scheduled time off, summer vacation
• Exposure to the outdoors, not confined 
• Dress up, wear nice things
• Decorating a classroom
• Time moves quickly
• Introduce children to wonders in history, science, books, etc. That excited look when they learn something interesting.

Teaching: Cons

• Constant scrutiny
• Criticism
• Weight of responsibility
• Enforce rules, discipline
• Never done at work, work follows me home
• Difficult situations with students or parents
• Not financially compensated on the same level as effort put in
• Poor work/life balance

Pharmacy: Pros

• Work can be left at work
• Steady income, affordable health insurance
• Challenging
• Being a part of the medical field
• Time to read, write, do puzzle, and other hobbies
• Work/life balance
• Feel appreciated, valuable as an employee 

Pharmacy: Cons

• Little involvement with church people
• No routine schedule 
• Mandatory weekends, evenings, nights, holidays
• Rules, regulations, policies
• No exposure to the outdoors - work in a confined area
• Difficult co-workers, managers

I'm pretty certain I know what the "safe harbor" is and what makes the most financial sense by considering these points. Is work/life balance more important than being involved with my church family? I know there will never be a "perfect" job and every situation has advantages and disadvantages. I can accept my present job and it's not like I have to make a decision between the two. So unless some other door opens, I'll keep plugging away!

winds of confusion, lessons from a tree

Is anyone else completely confused about life these days? Has there ever been a time before when so much conflicting information is being shared? How can a tiny germ cause such chaos, but more important issues are ignored? I have no answers and don't know what is truth anymore. News articles are published every day with one site stating a "fact" while another site states a "fact" that is the polar opposite. I don't spend a lot of time reading the news but skim headlines and hear other people's conversations. It seems like conspiracy theories, which I automatically mistrust, are everywhere, and I've finally concluded you can't believe anything. You can call me cynical, I know I am. Thank God this is not my permanent country! Unfortunately I can't bury my head in the sand, though. Somehow we have to cope with these accusations, recommendations, theories, movements, divisions, and riots that are swirling like dark clouds around us.

Maybe the reason this is on my mind is because I went back to work today after a two week quarantine due to a member of our household who was COVID positive. Cooking, cleaning, working outside, and being a homemaker was such a simple life. I never got bored, although I did get tired of cooking! Now I'm back to wearing a mask for 8 hours and following hospital regulations. I hugged a coworker and got reprimanded. (COVID! Social distance!) Another coworker still gets on my nerves. While driving to work this morning I purposed to be tolerant and kind. Unsuccessful. After two weeks of being around people who don't make a big deal out of COVID, going back to the high alert level of healthcare was kind of exhausting. On the bright side, more than one person told me I was missed and they were so glad to have me back. Maybe I am needed more than I realize! I need to focus on doing my small part instead of the restrictions and unpleasantness. 

Last week we went to Ohio to be with Chad and Keela and kiddos for a couple days. It was one of those spur of the moment decisions... I was quarantined and Cliff could get off, so we went! We spent part of a day at Lake Erie and I keep remembering something we saw there. The coastline is rocky, but at one place where we walked along, trees were growing in the boulders. At some places the roots were exposed on top of the rocks, then there were cracks and crevices where the roots snaked down to the water. I think there's life lessons to be learned from that. Overcoming obstacles, thriving in adverse circumstances, and staying strong when heavy winds are blowing were some of the inspirations that came to me. That's what I want to focus on instead of the turmoil around us!

still waters run deep

I've been asking myself a question in regards to this blog and haven't figured out an answer. 

Recently I was told (again) that I live a life that's "all about me" and I know it's true. It seems so repugnant to be that kind of person. I haven't yet found a way out and feel this is just part of the journey I'm on right now. In taking stock of everything I do that is self-centered, I've wondered about this blog. It truly IS all about me. Yet some have mentioned it's a way of giving myself to others by sharing my life and thoughts. Writing is the easiest way for me to communicate, and maybe this is how I can connect with people. The downside is that I write things I'd probably never say, thereby opening myself to criticism. As a side note, I do appreciate constructive criticism and know I need to learn how to better handle all types of criticism/reproof. 

Maybe one of the reasons I find it hard to talk is because I have low tolerance for "fluff" but it seems you need a certain amount of it to carry on a conversation. When I write, I can talk about "real" things and be honest with my thoughts. I love it when people are real and aren't just putting out a culturally acceptable version of themselves. The above quote and title of this blog reflect my thoughts down that line. But where is the balance between accepting who you are and trying to blend in? 

Since writing is how I process my thoughts and feelings, maybe I should do it solely for my own benefit and stop blogging. I'm not necessarily looking for input, just stating my thoughts so others will understand if I decide to permanently delete this.

the world turned upside down

According to legend, the British army sang "The World Turned Upside Down" when they surrendered to General Washington at Yorktown in 1781. Each stanza of the song ends with Yet let's be content, and the times lament, you see the world turn'd upside down.

Has COVID-19 turned our world upside down? If you've gone grocery shopping or read any news this week, it looks like people are preparing for the apocalypse. Personally, I just can't get worried about it. It is necessary to take precautions (hand washing, hand washing, hand washing!) but healthy people shouldn't fear this virus. As with the flu, it's the elderly and immunocompromised who are at the greatest risk. For a little perspective, look at these facts: the CDC estimates 22,000 people have died from the flu this season, and so far there's been around 40 deaths in the United States from COVID-19.

At work, all our masks have been locked up in the safe. We use masks, gowns, gloves, and sterile alcohol on a daily basis for compounding sterile products. We have enough supply for a limited time, but are having a hard time getting more of these necessary supplies. The hospital has established a command center and town hall meetings are being held. In the event we have cases of COVID-19, an empty wing of the hospital has been set aside to keep those patients in isolation. Even though we are taking all precautions, I haven't seen anyone become panicked about the situation.

I keep thinking this feels like the end of the world. I have seen nothing like this in my short life (with the possible exception of Y2K). It makes me wonder, would all this preparation be happening if it was announced Jesus will return sometime next week? Somehow I think not.

Avoiding media, if possible, would be a good idea. Making lists of things we are thankful for, playing with children, cuddling a baby, or taking a walk in the fresh air are all ways to lessen the tension. Most of all,

STAY CALM

WASH YOUR HANDS

telling the truth

Tonight I'm "living the dream." At home on a Friday night sitting by a warm crackling fire, with the choice to read, set puzzle, or blog. Nothing could be more comfortable for an introvert.

Life has been fairly uneventful the past few weeks, which is actually a blessing, but doesn't generate much writing inspiration. Something did happen today that I thought I'd write about. To tell what happened, I first need to give some background information.

We pharmacy technicians are scheduled to do a nursing unit review once a month. Each tech has a specific area assigned to them with a checklist of tasks. Every nursing floor has two medication rooms and a supply room. Most of the nursing unit review is focused on these areas. Supply rooms have hundreds of items, such as lab tubes, IV supplies, toiletries, dressings and bandages, and other nursing necessities. Medication rooms each have a Pyxis machine where drugs are dispensed and cabinets stocked with supplies used for giving meds, such as needles and syringes. We go through all these items, looking for any expired products. The Pyxis machine needs to be cleaned and code carts opened and searched for expired items. We also randomly check approximately 4 patients to make sure IV tubings are tagged properly and antibiotics and other drugs given on time. 

The nursing unit assigned to me is one of the smaller ones, so I volunteered to take on another one when someone recently quit. February was the first time I did the new unit, and it took me quite a long time since it's one of the messiest and I did some extra cleaning. We are only scheduled one day to do our review, so I ended up getting only one of my two nursing units done. Today our lead technician asked me if I had done my second unit, and when I told her I hadn't, she said, "We're just going to make it look like you did and fill out the paper." When she brought me the paper to sign I said I couldn't do that because I felt like it was lying. By her reaction, I couldn't quite tell what she was thinking but it seemed she was slightly disgusted. She said, "Can you do it today then? How long do you think it will take?" It was around 11:30, I hadn't had lunch yet, and was only working till 3:30.  I told her I could probably do it 1-2 hours, and thankfully there were enough other techs working that someone could take over what I was doing in the pharmacy. 

I didn't have much time to think of how to respond in this situation, and it was my superior asking me to falsify information, so I wasn't quite sure at first what to do. When she wanted me to sign the paper though, it became quite clear to me I couldn't go along with it. There's been other times when I wondered if I had been completely honest, or just being tormented with doubt. I'm glad it was so obviously wrong to me this time. 

To my students

To the students who were in my classroom between 2013 - 2016:

I just want to give you a glimpse of the thoughts I've been having. In some ways it seems like yesterday we were doing algebra on the chalkboard, having story time, and so much more in the 170 days (or more) you and I spent in the classroom. You may not remember it as clearly as I do, but those were some of the best days of my life. The passing of time makes all the good times stand out, but I acknowledge there were tough times too. Even though I tried my best, I made mistakes and failed. Hopefully I didn't cause any lasting damage.

Now you are all part of the youth group, and when I see you singing in front of church, or giving your testimony during revivals, I am filled with admiration. Every one of you has grown into a more mature, polished version of the younger you who sat in my classroom. It's so amazing to see the beautiful person you have become! I'm so proud of you.

Building relationships with my students didn't always come easy, but I want you to know I loved being your teacher. You might not have loved being my student, and that's ok! It doesn't change the fact that you will always be one of "my kids."

Love,

Miss Smith

to a new year

I love the feeling of a fresh start at the beginning of a new year. Who knows what might happen this year? That thought could be exciting or scary. 2020 is the beginning of a new decade and a leap year!

Although I'm not too good at keeping New Year's resolutions (ok, I'm terrible at it), I still like to reflect on the past year and dream of improving myself. It frustrates me that I can visualize something but really struggle to enact those good intentions. Any real advice on how to stay motivated and make new habits?

When looking ahead at a whole new year, it seems long and full of potential. But the days, weeks, and months fly by so fast. I find myself wondering if I'm doing anything worthwhile with my life. I'll turn 35 this year, and I would've thought at this point I'd have it figured out!

To start off the new year, I'll enjoy mom's pork and sauerkraut. Can't wait!

Happy New Year!