giving them a space

Her thoughts are circling in her head, demanding attention even though it is past the hour for early risers to be slumbering. A certain thought she gave utterance to has started a train that reaches back over fifteen years. There are hard questions without answers, and ghosts of buried dreams rise up to mock her. 

Feeling the need to provide financial aid to her household and satisfy the wants of setting up her own home, she took a few cleaning jobs. For quite a few years she continued, adding more and roping in her husband to help clean offices after hours. It wasn't something she really enjoyed doing, but it provided for some nice extras. Finally her husband grew tired of the side job, and who could blame him for that? She was ready to put her cleaning days behind her too. So she hung up her mop and moved on to the next thing.

One day she asked her neighbor if they needed help in their greenhouse. That was the beginning of her four year stint working closely with nature. She reveled in the sunshine and smell of growing things. It was hard work, but she built muscle. If only she wouldn't have to take care of customers, she would be perfectly happy. It was lovely having a seasonal job that allowed for months off over the winter to sew and work on other projects. But gradually she felt the need to do something more fulfilling with her life. It had become evident she would not follow the path of her friends and raise a family. She began considering careers that seemed meaningful, and decided to take nurse's aid training and see where that led her. When she left the greenhouse job behind, she vowed never to work in retail again. People were too demanding and hard to please.

Going to a community college for nurse aid training and spending a week doing hands-on practice at a nursing home was a frightening but thrilling experience. She received high praise for her efforts and passed the state exam with flying colors. She wasn't exactly sure if this was something she wanted to do, but figured she'd apply for jobs and see how it all worked out. She was offered a position but decided to put it on hold for a couple months while re-doing and settling in to the first house she and her husband bought. One day while working together with her mom, she casually said, "I could teach school" and something clicked like never before. It enthused her much more than the thought of caring for old people. Soon she found herself signing a contract to teach 7th & 8th grade. 

She knew it would be life-changing; and indeed, in the first few weeks of school she felt like she'd lost her identity. But she quickly grew into her new identity, and adapted to a much fuller schedule and an even fuller heart. There were difficult times, but overall she loved being a teacher. By her third year, the high level of responsibility and various stresses became too much and she decided to take a break. It only took a few weeks of summer vacation and she began to question that decision. Teaching was the most demanding and most rewarding job she'd ever had. Somehow she knew nothing else would reach that level.

The medical field had always interested her, so she started doing some studying. After some time, she was hired as a unit secretary in a local hospital. Working there was enlightening in many ways. After observing everything nurses put up with, she decided that wouldn't be for her. Eventually her job as a secretary became somewhat boring and she was ready for a new challenge. The hospital pharmacy hired people without any type of degree or certification, although you were expected to become certified within a year. She decided to try it, and this opened up a whole new world. It challenged and scared her, but after six months she became a certified pharmacy technician and felt comfortable with her job. Eventually she found her niche compounding IV medications. She learned to stay calm and focused under pressure, and found she was really good at her job. She bonded with (most) of her coworkers and overall enjoyed what she was doing. There were some slight irritations with management and inconsistent working hours that eventually became bigger issues and she decided to try a different environment.

Her next leap was to a much bigger hospital with better pay and more consistent hours. Within a day or two of starting at this new job, she had a sinking feeling she would not enjoy working there. But she was determined to stick it out for at least six months, because past experience convinced her it takes time to find your place at a new job and first impressions can change. Most of the things she valued at her old hospital were nonexistent at the new one. Yet the issues that made her leave her old job were improved at this new place. It was a tumultuous seven months, but in the end she knew her decision to leave was the right one. She still liked her job of compounding IV medications, but work drama and a bad environment drove her away.

A door was opened to work for a Christian company with a flexible schedule and the opportunity to work from home. In many ways it was a dream come true. But after working with drugs that can make a difference to someone's life, business matters seemed of very little importance. She didn't dislike her work, but it also didn't spark joy. Some days she felt like she was back in retail, trying to please a customer. In the grand scheme of things, she just couldn't care all that much about getting numbers put into the correct accounts. Yet she knew her job was what she once considered "ideal" and by this time in her life, she knew every job she tried would have parts she didn't like. One beautiful spring day after she had been glued to her computer screen for hours, she stepped outside and thought, "This day is too wonderful to be cooped up inside. How nice it would be to work in a greenhouse and have a simple job close to nature." She had come full circle.

Now she lies in bed, hearing voices in her head. 

"You'll never be satisfied, no matter where you work. You just need to settle down and LEARN TO BE CONTENT." 

"But why should I settle for something that's less than what I desire? There ARE people out there who have a job they love."

"Do you even believe that's possible anymore? You're nearing forty and likely half of your life is over. Plus, remember how that felt when you had a job you loved? It ALSO came with a high level of responsibility and plenty of stress."

"Maybe I should just go back to my first hospital job. I got paid vacation and didn't have to catch up on all my work when I got back. Over a year later, I still miss my coworkers. And I do sorely miss making IV's."

"WHY would you do that?? You have a much more flexible schedule and you work from home. If you don't feel like getting up before 5 am, there's absolutely no reason why you have to. You're crazy!"

"Just look at those people who have worked at the same job for 10, 15, 20 years. They're so much farther ahead than you'll ever be. They seem happy enough doing the same thing year after year."

"I know people talk behind their hands about those who skip from job to job. But why should I care? I want to experience life, not just live. It's totally fine if I switch jobs frequently."

"You're mentally unstable and need to find the meaning of CONTENTMENT. In fact, it's a spiritual problem and you need to find something."

She gives the thoughts and voices their space, then lets them go.