hurt, vulnerability, and love

I'm afraid this post is going to be a tough one. Usually there has to be some kind of inspiration before I write. Sometimes the words come flying out and other times it's a struggle because of how personal the inspiration is and how vulnerable I become when I share it. That vulnerability is especially hard because I try to lock up and forget past hurts. Along with that I'm determined to never allow myself to get in a position of being hurt again. The downside is that resolve makes me a numb, hard, uncaring person who doesn't want to get too close to anybody. I become even more walled in and bitter. It happens gradually without notice, then one day I realize what I've become. Now I have a choice  - continue with a cold, proud heart immune to hurt and become someone I never wanted to be, or let the ugliness out and be healed, realizing that will again make me vulnerable to hurt.

Love. Such a beautiful word, but so difficult to understand. This week, 1 John 4:8 was part of my reading. "He that loveth not knoweth not God." No question. Just the plain, easy-to-understand truth. And it describes me. I don't fully understand why or how I became that person, and maybe don't need to figure that out. But now that I know I'm one who "loveth not", what should I do about it? There's no chance of remedying it on my own. I'm defeated before I even try. That leaves one answer - only from God. With my own determination there's no way I could like, never mind LOVE, that coworker I can't stand. And in all reality, I probably never will like him. But despising, avoiding, and talking unkindly about him is certainly not Godly love. 

So that's the real, ugly truth. Satan is trying to tell me I'm a hypocrite for saying these things, because it sounds righteous and preachy and I fall so far short. My proud, selfish nature is always going to be there. But by God's grace, I won't be that miserable, unhappy, uncaring person whom I never wanted to be.